The Weekly Roundup (11/30/15-12/4/15)
- The headlines we were tempted to run, and the commentary we couldn’t.
Monday 30 November
We must commend him for resisting the urge to stand atop a tall building with a megaphone yelling, “IT’S NOT A CONFEDERATE, MORONS!”
So, the best way to prevent rape is by withholding consensual sex? Perhaps old Spike will reevaluate once he realizes that he’s put himself in league with Pat Robertson.
Can one credibly claim to support the First Amendment while refusing to speak in defense of speech?
Tuesday 1 December
Well, once you dismiss the possibility that fatness is a medical problem, there really isn’t anywhere else to go rhetorically except to conclude that dieting is just a way of demeaning fat people.
Donning black crepe-paper armbands, the students dejectedly disposed of their coloring books and comfort blankies, wondering why their parents and high school teachers had lied to them.
“Surely,” the administrators must have thought to themselves, “no student at my school could be that witty.”
That should give progressives something to chew on, other than kale. Perhaps they will conclude that the op-ed constitutes a microaggression against potential rapists.
Wednesday 2 December
Having sought feedback from every group that was convenient for him to consult, the president felt no need to solicit the opinions of either alumni or the student body.
Well, technically they did respond, but “response” was always a euphemism for “concession” anyway.
Amazingly (or maybe not), some faculty actually came to her defense, saying the fact that she felt compelled to perpetrate the hoax is just further proof of (what else?) structural racism.
The 41-point ultimatum seemingly drew inspiration from just about every other related movement in the country—a veritable smorgasbord of zany, left-wing proposals.
Thursday 3 December
Don’t get too excited—the only reason most senators voted against it is that they couldn’t envision a way to support it without generating a political backlash.
If cultural centers are such a great way to enhance inclusivity and diversity, shouldn’t the school be expecting fewer bias incidents?
The deans evidently had no trouble determining that a student’s expression of a conservative opinion in a newspaper published almost 300 miles away was by far the greater danger for them to address than threats made against that student by a classmate.
Apparently, questioning the appropriateness of holding the demonstration on the same day that a local student was murdered by Palestinian terrorists is unbecoming conduct of a student senator, but participating said demonstration is perfectly fine.
Confidential sources inform us that the final straw came when employees were unable to retrieve their paychecks from the file cabinet one student had appropriated for use as a cot.
And the irony doesn’t end there. They also proclaimed the importance of collecting feedback from students of color while in the next breath complaining that students of color have been turned into unpaid diversity consultants.
Guns are already banned under current policy and nothing bad has happened before, the president noted unconvincingly.
Cornell made clear that snowflakes would not be problematic, which seems especially appropriate given the ongoing emphasis on self-esteem.
Friday 4 December
Stay with us here: Evidently, the urge to go on a mass killing spree is universal among humans, so the mere availability of firearms makes such tragedies inevitable. But fret not, for he also reveals that it is impossible to kill someone without a gun, making the solution obvious.
The school claims it is because the mural depicts slaves in a tobacco field and a Native American with a tomahawk, but we suspect the real reason is that the mural is just plain ugly.