The Weekly Roundup: Plenty of walls, but few bridges
- The headlines we were tempted to run, and the commentary we couldn’t.
Monday, April 11
The key question, though, is whether their votes were based on social justice considerations, or simply because they didn’t want to take any more courses.
It turns out that no matter how many times you repeat the 1-in-5 statistic, it still doesn’t make it true.
Oddly, their argument is based on Scalia’s political positions, rather than the fact that the school’s new acronym will be “ASS Law.”
How traumatizing that must have been...
Careful, now, professors, or Maddy might just fund a “right-wing paramilitary group” to hunt you down.
They were so overcome with fear after seeing an empty squad car parked on campus that they had no choice but to track the officers down and scream at them.
Tuesday, April 12
We can just picture The Donald blubbering in his penthouse about having to collect hefty fees from other golfers now that he can’t donate course time to the Barry University team.
They also banned fraternities and sororities from serving alcohol at the remaining events, which was the unkindest cut of all.
What could possibly have given them that idea? (*cough* … Mizzou … *cough*)
Gee whiz. Even the residents of Oceania had one political opinion they were allowed to express...
Finding one’s favorite foods at the supermarket isn’t a matter of privilege; it’s a matter of perseverance.
Wednesday, April 13
Actually, we think this is really just a sneaky way to incapacitate the police department by inundating them with investigations of campus meanies.
If the name “Redskins” is offensive to Native Americans, then shouldn’t Whitman’s mascot be offensive to Christians?
The protesters are refusing to release their other demands until all the flags are removed, which sounds to us like a pretty strong argument for keeping them right where they are.
They do know that it won’t be much of a debate with just one lonely liberal standing on stage arguing with himself, right? At that rate, the students might as well just watch Bill Maher.
Thursday, April 14
If the holster is empty, then where’s the gun, huh? Huh?! WHERE IS IT?!
Ironically, painting the phrase “Make America Great Again” on their annual capture-the-flag wall was actually intended to mock Trump. Just to be safe, though, other students tore it down for them.
We wonder how many of them are donors, and we’re betting that Marquette will soon be asking themselves the same question.
And in a too-good-to-be-true vignette, the offended students simultaneously whined that saying “there are no safe spaces” is “literally a threat” while vowing to “beat the shit outta whoever wrote that bullshit.”
Friday, April 15
By the same principle, wouldn’t that make pretty much every utterance SJP has ever made an example of “Christianophobia?”
It’s almost as if people are walking around saying “ni” to one another.
Are they sorry they did it, or just sorry they got caught?
See what happens when you take your vulva out in public?