The Weekly Roundup: When 'Forrest Gump' becomes a microaggression
- The headlines we were tempted to run, and the commentary we couldn’t.
Monday, 6 June
This whole thing started with a protest demanding more readings from minority authors. Now they want to get rid of a dean because she suggested a book by a minority author?
Is a little consistency too much to ask?
That’s actually a fair bit cheaper than most liberal proposals, not that that’s saying much.
Better, we think, to divest instead from liberal-leaning companies, which would have the added advantage of strengthening the endowment by shedding unprofitable investments.
If they were sensible, they would use that money to pay down some of their ENORMOUS, CRIPPLING DEBT. But then, sensible people wouldn’t have appropriated the money in the first place.
Of course, after decades of policy choices like this one, it’s little wonder that they’re running short of sense (not to mention cents) in California.
The school assures us it’s purely a coincidence that Democrat officials spoke annually throughout Obama’s presidency, while the commencement speakers during the Bush years were mainly anonymous academics and mediocre athletes.
In other news, OJ is still looking for the real killer.
One student was observed pacing back and forth beneath the arch, but no sexual assault charges were filed. Planning is underway for a demonstration to protest the university’s obvious attempt to make its rape statistics appear lower.
Whether you calculate it in time or money, modern art plus modern feminism is still a resounding zero.
It’s not nearly as snazzy as the giant golden clitoris that Sewanee had.
Tuesday, 7 June
The college is offering $5,000, but the refugees are on the hook for the remaining $45,000.
Anybody want to start a pool on how long it takes before students start complaining that the school is only helping “the richest one-percent” of Syrians?
Campus Reform proudly announces a new philanthropic fundraising drive. We’re trying to raise enough money to send this professor to a qualified therapist so that he can stop trying to exorcise his self-loathing in class.
Donations aren’t tax deductible, but if we raise enough, we also plan to offer him a one-way ticket to Zimbabwe, where he can enjoy a hate-free life of ease and plenty.
Right, because calling for a “Third Intifada” hardly qualifies as a threat of violence…
They’re not even trying to pretend that it wasn’t “anti-Jewish,” which is just an unsophisticated way of saying “anti-Semitic.”
Remember, for progressives, all race hatred is verboten. Unless it’s against that one group.
They could also just find some other grievance to justify their inexplicable desire to forfeit their rights to an administration they evidently don’t trust.
In oppression Olympics, the tediously slow evolution of progressive Newspeak is often...problematic.
What did they think the First Amendment was there for? So the Founders could show off their flowery prose? If free speech required a government permit, it wouldn’t really be a right.
It’s no surprise where they might have gotten the idea, though. This is, after all, a state that requires you to get a license in order to cut hair or deliver messages.
Wednesday, 8 June
The caption was “Sorry I ruined your Super Bowl Panther party,” so we’re guessing his antagonists didn’t get the original joke, either.
In case they’re wondering: the Carolina Panthers and the Black Panthers have exactly zero to do with each other.
Leave it to leftists to go apoplectic over a punny reference to a 22-year old film.
Apparently nobody told him that when professors say they want students to participate in class discussions, what they really mean is: “sit down, shut up, and regurgitate what I tell you.”
This young ciswhite patriarch made the mistake of having the wrong kind of diversity. You know, diversity of viewpoint, instead of the skin-deep one.
Last we heard, somebody had bias-reported him for saying mean things about the bias-reporting system, and now all they’ll tell us is that he’s on an extended vacation to see family “up North.”
We’re sure the political section of this bias reporting system protects everyone on the right side of the political spectrum. And by the right side, we mean the left side.
Thursday, 9 June
It doesn’t seem malicious, though, exactly. It’s just their first reaction to anything is to ask how it can be used to push a progressive agenda. Somebody sneezes, and they’re organizing a letter-writing campaign to demand more government funding for health care.
They might (might!) not be covering up a false flag racial hoax, but we doubt they particularly want this information broadcast to donors and alumni, either. If they decide to release a statement to spin this, though, they’d better make sure Almeda Jacks isn’t allowed to write it.
The real “raging bitch” in this case was Michigan’s Liquor Control Commission.
But with a name like “Liquor Control Commission,” you’ve got to imagine that the agency’s whole purpose is to infuriate consumers.
Right, so for those who might still be unclear: lying to gain access to a building and then propping open the doors so your friends can interfere with normal university operations isn’t free speech.
Well, maybe the lying part is, but the rest could have been accomplished by an illiterate mute.
Friday, 10 June
When these protesters shut down an event on his campus, DePaul’s president bent over backwards to condemn practically every syllable Milo has ever uttered in the context of offering one of the most grudging and milquetoast apologies we’ve ever seen. We’d rather like him to apologize for that apology, too, come to think of it.
So, their argument is that because they gave ample warning of their vehement dislike for Milo, yet the university neglected to force a student group to revoke his invitation, they were forced to storm the stage, seize control of the microphone, and deny the audience their entertainment for the evening.
Whatever you say, Il Duce.
As Johnnie Cochrane might have said, “If the name has been picked, you must convict.”
What? He might have said it. Prove he didn’t.
Be sure to also take advantage of the complimentary college reassignment.
We vote that Trump shows up at their next meeting/drum circle and really scares the pants off of them. Wait, on second thought, we’d rather that they keep their pants on.
The “thou shalt not be a misogynist” commandment was extracted straight from the orthodox Feminist New Breastament. Some editions translate it as “thou shalt not criticize Womyn.”
You know how jealously those convicts guard the sanctity of their traditions. Why, if a bunch of non-inmates were to start cooking extremely mediocre food, things could get out of hand.
We can’t just let every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there start fashioning shivs from their toothbrushes.