The Weekly Roundup: Not one more word, or we’ll bias-report you!
- The headlines we were tempted to run, and the commentary we couldn’t.
Saturday 18 June
And it only took him 11 years to figure it out!
We just couldn’t resist the pun. If Obama were to appoint Judge Mega to the Supreme Court, we’d be all for it. What a great name for a judge...
They should get an Oscar, too. For pretending to be football players.
Monday 20 June
What?! Next he’ll be trying to claim that “drug-free school zones” don’t keep people from dealing drugs near schools.
Sure, the “bitter clingers” among us can understand that obvious point, but those who have only ever seen a gun on TV probably feel warm all over whenever they see a “gun-free zone” sign.
For a second there, a guide purporting to be “inclusive” by excluding words might seem a bit counterintuitive, but this merely means you are not a very fluent doublethinker.
Pay attention. This will be on the final exam, not to mention a recurring topic for class discussions.
We are so pleased to see a national organization like the American Association of University Professors punish a college for defending a national liberty. Surely that will dissuade legislators from daring to interfere with the social justice indoctrination of our next generation of leaders.
The bill was originally just supposed to impose restrictions on the “Religious Right,” but legislators figured that might raise constitutional concerns.
Tuesday 21 June
If they’re judging white people solely based on the subset that tends to burn flags as a form of protest, then “fragility” is probably a fairly appropriate word.
On the other hand, if the good professors didn’t flee in terror from every soldier they encountered ( or dial 9-1-1 over ROTC members), they might get the chance to see some flag burners that nobody would call “fragile.”
“Burning the Flag: An Artistic Means for Promoting Social Justice” perfectly encapsulates the left’s creative talents. Why bolster national bonds and American culture when you can paint with fire and shred them to pieces to lump yet another landmass into the homogenous, globalized collective?
No, the career fair hasn’t switched genders (at least not yet). The school just wanted to make sure local employers got a crack at a presumptively massive pool of transgender labor.
Just consider: A cop was actually under the impression that because the university president decided to stop flying the flag, nobody else was allowed to fly it, either.
Sure, it has the stars and bars, which the left has informed us are racist, but if you turn it sideways, the Mississippi flag looks kind of like the French one. Hell, it looks like someone screwed up and inserted the flag of Yugoslavia in the corner. Pride for their own state might offend, but it might be permissible if SJWs can convince themselves it actually pays homage to a socialist one.
Seeking out diversity can be a fine thing, but there’s no need to be racist about it.
That makes sense. If they’re gonna pay them based on their skin color, they’ll need several trainings to learn how to disguise the racism in that.
In the course segment entitled “Discovering Diversity and Inclusion at UT,” students and staff will reportedly learn to see their peers in a whole new light, supposedly called “vision.” Apparently, this “vision” is conducted by apparatuses in the eyes called the “cornea” and “lens.” Faculty and students will discover how, using this “vision,” they can recognize that some people are black, some are white, and some possess different genitalia than others. Sources say participants will also learn about “ears,” which enable them to find out the sexual interests of their companions.
Yes, some Christians hate gays. But this woman’s hatred of Christians burns so intensely that while they pray for the Orlando victims, she turns them into political props.
She could use some Christianity, too (or an irony detector). They have this cool book where this Jesus fellow tells a story about not pointing out the splinters in other people’s eyes.
If you think about it, Christianity is just as responsible, if not more, for LGBT violence as Islam. Putting on our intersectional lens, we can fully realize the fabulous phenomenon of false equivalency, in which anti-gay marriage and bathroom laws literally draw as much blood as throwing gays off a roof or butchering them in a nightclub. Intersectional lenses are widely available and can be picked up at your local university, news outlet, or re-runs of The Daily Show. Buyers must provide their own abject scorn of reality but the lenses are currently going for the super low price of all of your dignity.
If you think “social construct” is an unassailable indictment of, well, just about anything ... yoooooooou might be a liberal.
No, really; of course proper English is a social construct. It’s one we’ve been working on for hundreds of years now, and we’d thank the good folks at Pitt not to screw around with it.
The value of a Pitt education is also a social construct.
Attention: It is now progressive to punish people for hosting a gay speaker. Careful, there, Democrats. You’re starting to sound like your grandfathers.
Let’s all just be grateful that foot-in-mouth disease isn’t contagious. It’s only acquired, at this advanced stage anyway, from a lifetime of making preposterous statements in order to elicit sage nods from dudes in berets.
Wednesday 22 June
Here’s how he reassured parents: “we have got some very, very progressive people—very, very supportive of the students and supportive of what happened, and eager to make the changes.” So, there you have it. No need to worry. Some “very, very progressive people” are going to clean up the mess made by other progressive pe—wait a second….
Sounds like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Who’s working on it? “Top. Men.”
The so-called “trolls” of the Internet are certainly adept at encouraging universities to act reasonably. This is reminiscent of DePaul’s president stepping down after the university received 14,000 1-star ratings on its Facebook page.
Here’s the kicker: In their official statement, UCI cited “inaccurate news reports.” Since they were obviously talking about us, we called them, at which point they told us the original statement was “poorly worded.”
So, just to be clear, the statement should have read: “because we deceived everyone from the outset…”
Apparently condemning terrorism is Islamophobic, as is suggesting women should be allowed to show their ankles in public.
The funny thing is, they weren’t all that keen on her before they knew that she has said things they think Trump said.
Thursday 23 June
We all know that liberals value freedom of speech and expression and don’t try to get people in trouble for making jokes. So of course the senator’s opponents...oh, these are progressives?
Yeah, they can’t take a joke at all. “Knock knock” is too risqué for them (that’s probably sexual harassment, too).
That’s just about the size of it. Fortunately, the halls of Congress are more resilient to such shenanigans than are the ivory towers of academia.
Woe unto the first person who tries stealing an answer from the person next to them. He’d probably have their eyes.
But then, he does have a rather gruesome point. People without hands do tend to make for rather incompetent thieves.
At least the students will finally be getting their money’s worth.
Not one more word, mister. Do you want to be suspended, too? You mess with the bull...you get the horns.
When Congress notices that people are making decisions, it must weigh in. Forcefully. That’s why Twitter will be the death of us; we used to be able to count on Congress to be out of touch.
Representatives from Texas aren’t usually so onerous, though. Do we have to move back there and set things straight?
We knew it would come to this, but so soon? Where’s the Gestapo Response Team when you need it?
They’ve made their ruling; now let them enforce it. Wait, that doesn’t really apply here. Nuts.
Just wait. The “free market” will be blamed when once-elite schools disintegrate under the weight of their own political correctness.
We’ve got a few other things we’d like them to overturn, as long as they’re in the mood...
Just think how you would feel if you had no other hand, and thus couldn’t consider multiple perspectives on an issue.
Friday 24 June
Ya-huh. Well, when you can’t comprehend free markets, it might seem that way at times.
Would that they were at least teaching it from a medical perspective. This is just an extended exercise in feel good-ism that costs as much as a house.
Watch out, prez; as long as they’re disregarding the First Amendment, they might as well muzzle you, too.
Just say it: “To avoid microaggressing, white people should remain in their homes at all times with the shades drawn, lest the sight of them remind anyone of a trauma they never experienced.”
Couldn’t they just lower tuition or something?
Well, at least they’re conceding that a quality education isn’t.
We would submit that holding a party with keffiyehs and sombreros suggests they already have an understanding of other cultures, though admittedly Mexico is firmly in the Western hemisphere.