The Weekly Roundup: encapsulating the detritus of American academia

Sunday, 7 August

BU student apologizes for stealing Trump signs, bragging about it on Twitter

Is she sorry for what she did, or just sorry that she got caught?

Well, considering that she publicly posted all the documentation needed to nail her down good, we’re gonna guess it’s the latter.

Monday, 8 August

NC bathroom law scares away university physicist conference

How did they know?

Catholic university's new vice provost is former chair of abortion provider

But they only provided ‘medicated abortion’ services, so presumably their argument is that all the actual abortions happened off-premises.

Illinois college defends 'blacks-only' course offerings

And that’s the really egregious part. It’s never the crime; it’s always the cover-up.

UW-Stout hides 'harmful' paintings of Native Americans

Sanitization, insulation, and infantilization. We’ll listen to your pout here at Wisconsin-Stout.

UH student govt drops sanctions against VP who declared '#AllLivesMatter'

And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those pesky journalists!

UCLA op-ed claims Hillary is too 'centrist' for millennials

“You can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you just might find you irrevocably damage your country.”

Ivy League CR's highlight trend of ambivalence toward Trump

They must not want to Make America Great AgainTM (oh yes, it’s trademarked).

'Predominantly white institutions' are 'hotbeds of white supremacy,' prof warns

Whether he intended it or not, the good professor has now directly tied higher education, arguably the most self-consciously progressive places in the country, to white supremacy. 

UVA’s $2.3 billion fund dwarfs Virginia’s own cash reserves

It’s “three times” the size. Either UVA is really good at raising money, or the state is really bad at wasting it on useless things that nobody needs.

Who are we kidding? UVA is probably terrible at raising money, though we can’t be disputed when we say that money slips through Virginia’s fingers like water.

UPDATE: UW-Stout caves, claims removal of non-PC art was 'business' move

We’ve seen artworks depicting journalists at work, and we still manage to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning...

Tuesday, 9 August

Millennial poll: 2nd Amendment no obstacle to gun control

They might check with Madison first, if they’re going to opine on the Constitution.

Just a shot in the dark, but are these the same trigger warning weasels cramming into gender studies courses? They favored more gun control but admitted that guns prevent crime. We’d tell them to not shoot themselves in the feet but it looks like totalitarianism is right in our crosshairs and western society is under the gun.

UPDATE: 'Blacks-only' classes will now target 'special populations'

So, instead of “blacks only” it’s gonna be “no whites allowed.” Classy.

UK sues student paper to keep sexual harassment records secret

They’re just trying to adhere to their educational mission by teaching these student journalists what to expect if they ever try to FOIA universities for a living.

LGBT group wants BYU excluded from Big 12 for Mormon beliefs

And this within a week of the federal government announcing an investigation into alleged Title IX violations. It’s almost as if they think the Mormons are just used to persecution and won’t mind a little more.

Utah, we hardly knew ye.

Claremont students refuse to live with whites

Yuck! Who would want to live with white people?

Well, other than all those people who buy houses and real estate, that is.

Wednesday, 10 August

Rauner vetoes effort to let illegal immigrants serve as U of I trustees

Quick, to the megaphones with baseless allegations of “-isms” and “-phobias” that must have prompted this behavior!

Historians ban ‘all-male and all-white’ panels at 2016 conference

This is not an unreasonable ban. Forced to work every day in an office with a few of them, Campus Reform can tell you firsthand the stench of Privilege emitted almost every second by those of this very specific gender and race. And it’s not racist to acknowledge. We’re punching up.

Abortion is nation’s leading cause of death, if counted, study finds

But don’t hold your breath in anticipation of them deeming it preventable death.

Car accident? Preventable. Abortion? Inevitable.

Drexel law prof calls Trump comment ‘terrorism’

He admits “stochastic terrorism” is a “non-legal” term. You know what else is a “non-legal” term? Defamatory neologism.

Minorities, evangelicals unite against CA bill targeting religious colleges

“Negatively affects” minorities, huh? Well, you always hurt the ones you love...if the left is capable of such an emotion.

Clemson protesters call free speech ‘garbage,’ plan to shut down Milo event

If they have such a low opinion of free speech, shouldn’t their protest be limited to sitting silently in their rooms?

Hmm, perhaps we could arrange for their parents to ground them...y’know, just to save them from their own hypocrisy, of course.

Mizzou rolls out faculty complaint system

Protests and provocation mark this twenty-second catch/ In the fight for free speech, we’re in the homestretch/ Plenty of SJWs are sure to retch/ As Gretchen from Milo’s fave film says, “that’s so fetch.”

MA college offers voluntary segregation for ‘historically marginalized’ students

How could 18-22 year-olds have been historically marginalized? They weren’t even around then!

Upon reflection, we’re pretty sure we’ve solved it: They’re referring to students who have been “marginalized” by history teachers who adhere to some state-mandated “curriculum” rather than extolling the exaggerated glories of far-flung duchies for the sake of “diversity.”

Thursday, 11 August

Astronomy community a growing hotbed of social justice

The American Astronomical Society, which has identified the lack of minority scientists as a pressing need, is exploring the concept of “Inclusive Astronomy.” The theory suggests that if a spacecraft carrying Neil deGrasse Tyson is shot into a black hole, multiple minority scientists will come out the other side. NASA thinks side effects can include being turned into dank memes or being frozen as an SJW ice block.

WSU prof relied on faulty data to blame conservatives for Flint lead crisis

Okay, so he was off by five...million, give or take. Did you really expect an expert in #SocJus to also be proficient at math? Lower your expectations, bigot.

Florida art prof penalizes students for saying ‘melting pot’

What if they were doing an assignment about fondue?

Ripon president urges profs to attack Trump in all classes

This college president thinks it’s ok to lecture students on Trump’s “bigotry,” yet doesn’t suggest that professors shed light on another candidate's alleged criminality. The guy is being totally dishonest in his view of teaching government and politics. Sad!

Lawyers fear being handcuffed by new ABA anti-bias rule

We would like to hire a lawyer to help us read all the way through this article. Yes, we get that lawyers can no longer use politically incorrect terms of endearment, but the PC logic is too much for us to wrap our heads around.

Dartmouth, home of the ‘Animal House’ no more

“Thank you sir, may I have another?”

Dartmouth College has come a long way from its wild Vietnam-era days caricaturized in the cult classic film Animal House. These days, paddling a fraternity pledge and making him ask for more would result in expulsion from campus and a major scandal.

Yale College Republicans: we’re unimportant, also endorsing Trump

Buckley, be not proud.

UMD paper denounces anti-BLM op-ed, lets inflammatory rejoinder pass

A Maryland student called the op-ed “inevitably offensive” because a white man thought he could give his opinion on race relations. That student may want to rethink separating free speech rights by identity, because minority groups like Black Lives Matter rarely get their rights preserved in such systems.

Friday, 12 August

Pitzer VP defends students who refused to live with whites

Alas and lackaday, his boss took a different tone.

Brown admin blames 'Israeli occupation' for stabbing of 13-year-old girl

“Calling Ben Shapiro, calling Ben Shapiro. Cleanup on aisle 9.”

RateMyProfessors ranks profs in liberal fields

“Hardly a single review is rated by another user as ‘helpful.’ ” If this reminds you of the paid iTunes reviewers, you’re on the right track. The exchange rate of progressive students’ oppression points to dollars hasn’t quite been pinned down, but don’t worry, we’re getting there.

Duke caves (again) to petulant protesters' demands for min wage hike

We’d be laughing if the administrators were freshmen economics students playing a harmless game of “what if.”

Gay-friendly Oberlin still plagued by white privilege, student complains

Egads! When Gaia (or whatever god the progressives worship these days; the Flying Spaghetti Monster?) opens a window, she closes a door.

And at the worst time, too; just when they thought they had beaten the game of social justice, they find out there’s a whole ‘nother level.

WV university seeks to ban guns amid fear over constitutional carry

The university, located in the rural Mountain State, will only allow government agents, judges, and prosecutors to carry guns on campus. The campus police chief can make special exemptions if he feels like it. A classic case of “Rules are for thee, but not for me.”

MA university brings social justice to health sciences

They must have figured that if NASA’s doing it, the whole scientific community gets a free pass to have a “diversity luau” every Thursday. Hmm, better make that Friday, as well; one can never become too tolerant.

ND College Republicans ‘support’ Trump, but refuse to ‘endorse’

Quick, somebody get these kids a dictionary! And a thesaurus!