The Weekly Roundup: The most hyperbolous week ever! In the history of the world!

Monday, April 18

Clemson students challenge ‘Black Out’ protesters over rules violations

Hey, if you’re going to ask for new rules, especially ones that limit free speech, you ought to at least be willing to follow the speech-inhibiting rules that are already in place, right?

School-provided amenities weren’t enough for Mizzou protesters, emails reveal

If they were cold, or just needed a little electricity, they could always have gone back to their dorm rooms. Just sayin’...

No surprises here, though. Nothing has ever been enough for those protesters. Remember how they were satisfied after getting the President and Chancellor both fired? Exactly.

Even ‘penis’ is prohibited speech at UDel

One can only hope that pre-med courses are conducted a safe distance from campus, or at the very least in a locked, windowless room.

If someone were to declare the person responsible for this policy a “dick,” would that also be prohibited?

Harvard Crimson ad promoting ‘one-in-five’ stat warns female students they ‘will’ be raped

Unsurprisingly, the group behind the ad is a little rusty on their grade school math, but if they would just divide two by five, they would find that even their grossly exaggerated statistic is nowhere near 100 percent.

Tuesday, April 19

UT students plan walkout to protest diversity cuts … but don’t call it a walkout

Why, that would be “ableist,” and they can’t have anyone thinking that wheelchair-bound students aren’t welcome to embarrass themselves just like anybody else.

Student senator labels hippie imagery a threat to ‘black mental and emotional health’

Everybody already knows that guns walk around autonomously shooting people at random, but were you aware that that paintings of guns are almost as dangerous?

UNC College Republicans expose inept hoax intended to paint them as bigots

Pro tip: When fabricating Facebook and Reddit exchanges, it is important to keep track of which account is supposed to be sending each message. Otherwise you end up looking as foolish as these wannabe provocateurs.

Wednesday, April 20

Milo posters vandalized at American University

If you can believe it, this actually represented a high point for sophisticated discourse among the protesters.

U.S. colleges take top ‘honors’ at Muzzle awards for stifling free speech

“Thank you. It’s so great to be recognized after working so tirelessly for so long in the struggle against disagreeable ideas,” they presumably began their acceptance speeches.

Liberals accuse conservatives of hate speech for accusing liberals of hate speech

Of course, the conservatives haven’t said anything that isn’t factually accurate, and the liberals haven’t said anything that isn’t hysterical, self-righteous whining.

Thursday, April 21

University of Maryland SJP group stages ‘die-in’ at Israel Fest

Well, as Nana always used to say: If it’s lying on the ground, it must be a rug, so go ahead and step on it.

Jesus dartboard on display at Rutgers sparks outrage, charges of hypocrisy

Another piece of “art” on the level of “Piss Christ.”

USC student gov demands tuition freeze along with $20 million increase in diversity spending

Sounds like they’ve been listening to Bernie Sanders a little too credulously.

Oklahoma student govt. declines to congratulate athletes because school salute is ‘offensive’

Those heartless wretches! Don’t they know that athletes shrivel up and die without an occasional offering of meaningless platitudes?

Moreover, if the school’s core traditions, and even its nickname, are offensive to these students, one is forced to wonder why they chose to attend OU in the first place.

UW students hold ‘We are God’ protest in support of suspected serial vandal

Great, the one time UW students decide to support “God,” they’re actually demanding immunity for a graffiti artist whose crimes against society are exceeded only by his offenses against grammar.

Coastal Carolina students object to BLM speaker keynoting event to honor civil rights icon

On the plus side, inviting a violent radical to speak at an event honoring someone who endured far greater injustice with infinitely more grace and patience does serve to highlight the petulance of the BLM movement.

Friday, April 22

AU protesters shove Milo supporter, taunt high school kid, and then demand security for themselves

Our favorite part was the protester who held a sign saying “free speech ≠ hate speech” throughout Milo’s entire speech, apparently never realizing that it was actually an endorsement of Yiannopoulos’s position.

Saturday, April 23

Clemson admin offers recusal after students call out conflict of interest in ‘banana banner’ case

Either it had never occurred to her that being the mother of one of the “#Clemson5” protest leaders might affect her ability to run the school’s investigation of the matter impartially, or, more likely, it had.