The Weekly Roundup: It’s a college thing.

Monday 13 June

Ex-Yale basketball captain sues over sex assault expulsion

They wanted to make an example of him; now they’re the ones being made an example of.

AEI panel: Marxists outnumber conservatives 3-to-1 in social sciences

Right, but the Koch brothers are the ones taking over academia. Sure.

Wait just a gosh darn minute! Was the ratio even that high in the old Soviet Union?

Racial, ‘food justice’ cooked up at summit

Screw the nutritional benefits of a varied diet! Everybody should eat only things that originate in their own state. You know, cuz diversity.

The new front of intersectionality sees both farmer and food vying for those elusive ideals of equality, diversity, and inclusivity. Boston tomatoes are fed up with being oppressed by their Tennessean rivals. Will they attain their rightful 50% representation? Find out next time on Food Justice!

UCSB Prof: ‘It’s great’ that citizens pay for illegal immigrants’ education

Maybe somebody should tip off the IRS, because that sure doesn’t sound like the opinion of someone who pays too many taxes.

Seattle Central cancels charity event for homeless veterans

They have “irreconcilable differences,” all right. The charity wants to support veterans, who, if you hadn’t heard, used to be in the (gasp!) military.

VIDEO: ‘USA’ chant ‘triggers’ hysterics in anti-Trump protester at PSU

If you slow the video down enough, you can actually pick out the precise moment at which the last trace of sanity leaves him. Watch closely and you’ll see it shoot out his ears just as his eyes begin to pop out of their sockets.

Leftists abhor the heinous “U-S-A!” chant. Patriotism and unity are the gravest affronts to Islam, the alpha dog on the progressive victim stack.

UMN students occupy Regents meeting to demand free tuition

But this was Minnesota, not California, so the students were simply arrested, enabling the Regents to vote 10-2 in favor of tuition increase for both in-state and out-of-state students.

Tenured conservative prof. retires due to liberal persecution

Hey, he made it a lot longer than we could have. College was great, but four years was plenty.

Students, faculty pledge to halt donations until Stanford divests from fossil fuels

Aha! So they now tacitly admit that divestment would be costly for the university, insofar as they’re trying to make the alternative even more costly.

Now, how to explain to them that their university will have to pay those costs, and why that might not be the best thing for its students and faculty?

After shutting down Milo event, BLM activists force DePaul prez to resign

Well, they wouldn’t be communists if they weren’t putting people out of work...

Tuesday 14 June

Prof. warns shoppers to be wary of ‘cultural appropriation’

He wants to make sure Native Americans get paid when their designs are used. We would submit that a better way would be for them to make the goods themselves and slap an “authentic” label on them. Works for German beer steins and French champagne…

But then, that would involve participating in capitalism, and we can’t have that, now can we?

UW launches $200K diversity training after anti-white vandal causes $4K in damages

One senses an opportunity here; how much damage would we have to cause to get them to create Hug-A-Conservative Day?

Drexel law prof. blasts 'outdated' Second Amendment

Fair enough; that’s his prerogative. But only because of the “outdated” First Amendment.

Harvard website claims due process used to silence rape survivors

From UPenn dropping its “Faculty Master” title to the anti-free speech crybullies at Yale, the Ivy League has certainly been poisonous to the Constitution.

Plus, he’d probably just try to deny it. Or worse, resort to mansplaining.

UCF cancels Milo speech on 'Gays and Islam' due to lack of security

It’s not that they wouldn’t appreciate having some radical Islamist do their dirty work for them; it’s just that if it happens on their campus, there would be all sorts of paperwork to fill out, and they’re worried they wouldn’t be able to stand the excitement.

Milo should consider converting to Islam. He could be like the dentist in Seinfeld who converted to Judaism for the jokes.

UMass Amherst ramps up diversity requirements in wake of Trigglypuff

We do hope they keep their academic standards right where they’re at, though. It’s much better to keep those social justice types in one place, where they can be safely contained and studied to determine whether they might one day be taught to communicate with humans.

Wednesday 15 June

Ithaca students start 'blood bucket challenge' to protest FDA donation rules

The ice bucket challenge was at least more sanitary. Plus, instead of having to shower afterwards, it was a shower.

At least they found something to do with all that excess blood that had been clogging up their veins, though.

UC allows SGA prez to graduate despite facilitating sit-in

That’s probably fair; he did pay for it, after all. When you get kicked out of a bar, they don’t make you give back the drinks you had earlier.

Free speech a ‘thorny issue,’ says Duke task force

The comments subsequently fled to the far reaches of the Internet, though a few were caught in photographs, from whence they now periodically emerge to wreak mischief.

Milo blasts Left after his UCF speech was canceled

Alright, you caught us. We have the first half of that headline saved, so all we have to do is fill in the location and nature of the outrage that’s been perpetrated against Milo.

Thursday 16 June

Mizzou: complimenting disabled people is a microaggression

Let’s cut the crap. We all know that “inspiring” is Ableist for the r-word. Furthermore, stating your desire to raise money to buy a disabled person a wheelchair is grossly unacceptable, as it references money, which constitutes an implicit endorsement of capitalism.

Dartmouth students blame Asian prof’s tenure denial on race

Asian-Americans are definitely an oppressed class. Ignore the whole wealthiest/most-educated demographic thing (statistics have a well-documented patriarchal allegiance).

Then again, denying an Asian professor tenure is an excellent example of socialist redistribution at we might be on board!

Hooters joke puts conservative student in liberal crosshairs

If this article reads like a crime report, good. Contrary to popular belief, Hooters “employees” are Republican slaves maliciously manipulated by their capitalist overlords into augmenting the appetite of unwary consumers.

Americans, particularly those of the white, cisgender male breed, are such ruthless gourmands that their hunger encompasses and confuses desires for food and sex, resulting in thick wads of greasy greens for overseers of the salaried slaves.

Prof. blames conservatives, Christians for Orlando shooting

That’s funny; we didn’t hear anything about any conservative Christians shooting up the place. Just this one Islamic declaring something about his allegiance to ISIS.

But then, this guy’s job basically seems to consist of blaming the Christian Right for stuff, so maybe he didn’t have much choice.

STUDY: Colleges with safe spaces among least popular on Twitter

Thanks, Milo!

But seriously, it’s probably just because the study chose to consider terms like “stupid,” “childish,” and “I’m never giving a dime to this university again” to be somehow negative.

Dartmouth to spend $145 million on diversity and inclusion

Of which $100 million is earmarked for hiring 50 new “underrepresented” professors.

And students complain that athletic departments get too much money...

BLM activists disrupt peace vigil for Orlando victims at Mizzou

Like most small children, they simply can’t stand it when attention is momentarily diverted from them.

They really needn’t worry, though. Mommy will be done talking with the nice man in a moment.

Friday 17 June

All-female colleges agrees to accept men who identify as women

Sure, why not? Everyone’s a woman. Watch a John Cusack movie, you’re a woman; drink “pumpkin”-flavored coffee, you’re a woman...

Feminist prof. blasts trigger warnings

Ceci n’est pas un avertissement de déclenchement.

We resisted the urge to say she “shoots down” trigger warnings, or even that she “targets” them. Until now, that is, but we’re not made of stone.

UT profs. call for repeal of Second Amendment in campus carry survey

It was an anonymous survey, if you were wondering from whence the sudden burst of candor emanated.

Of course, the left loathes anonymity when it’s used to combat and ridicule their tedious dogma (read 4chan, Yik Yak, etc.), but it isn’t hypocrisy when you serve the greater good.

Michigan college drops math, considers diversity course instead

They claim that their requirement merely duplicated those of high schools in the state, which sounds to us more like a reason to expand the requirement.

Seriously, have you seen the test scores coming out of public high schools? The only people who would be proud to own those numbers are golfers.

Then again, maybe they prefer it this way so they won’t be capable of comprehending their horrendous retention rate. As the Party says, “ignorance is bliss.”

Students at all-girls school protest ‘rape culture’ on campus

The school is 97 percent female, so if they’re going to blame males (and they are), they’ll have to explain how so very many serial rapists came to fill so few spaces at the university.

This brings up some very intriguing questions, such as: Who’s raping whom, and how? We want specifics.

NYU rejects fossil fuel divestment as meaningless political statement

They’re absolutely right, of course. We’re just a bit dumbfounded because we never expected the news to penetrate all the way to New York. We figured surely it would encounter stiff resistance in Philadelphia and detour to the South, like usual.

Boston University dean blames Orlando massacre on hate speech

Close, but it was really more of a hate “action.”

What’s his point, though? That hate+guns=murder? Perhaps it would interest him to know that that equation balances even without the inclusion of “guns.”

CUNY considers imposing free speech zones despite constitutional objections

Yeah, those judges and lawmakers are in North Carolina and Arizona (not to mention DC). Who are they to tell NEW YAWK what to do?!