The Weekly Roundup: Making The Onion unnecessary since 2015!

Monday, May 2

SIU students go on strike for more money because ‘things are so terrible here’

Anybody who has ever been to Carbondale can easily understand the sentiment, but that’s still no excuse for behaving like Frenchmen.

“Why strike?” Don’t ask. You’ll only get a rambling and incoherent list of grievances encompassing everything from the existence of mean people to the injustice of taxpayers refusing to provide every comfort the students desire.

Wesley students say black cartoonist’s criticism of Black Lives Matter is racist

The Black Student Union issued (surprise!) a list of demands, and to our great shock, one of them actually seems to make sense, because judging from their overreaction, the students truly are in desperate need of “additional mental health professionals.”

UNM students want president to condemn ‘racist’ native-designed seal

The students are upset that the Indian-free seal was created “without the input or consideration of Indigenous people.” Except, you know, for the Native American artist who actually designed the seal.

Alright, we’re convinced. Now we just need the students to issue guidelines so that we know what else to complain about. Last we checked, there were no depictions of Native Americans in the Pizza Hut logo, either, even though we know for a fact that many Native Americans enjoy pizza just as much as their white peers.

SDSU president has car blocked by protesters after supporting free expression

The action was fraught with symbolism, as the students demonstrated the type of response they expect from administrators when some uppity conservative starts expressing opinions.

From now on, all university vehicles will be equipped with cow-catchers.

Tuesday, May 3

CSU students stage die-in to demand lower tuition, increased diversity funding

A bit melodramatic, are we? Most Americans, when they decide they want something but aren’t willing to pay for it, simply vote for liberals.

Friar or Klansman? Decline of Western Civ curriculum leaves students in the dark

Alright, maybe we can see how a few particularly ignorant students might confuse a white robe with a rounded hood for a white robe with pointed hood. But mistaking a rosary for a whip? Really? Are Klan members even known for carrying whips around with them?

Who did the student think the alleged Klan member was, Indiana Jones?

UC Irvine CR members accuse leaders of ‘pandering to leftists’

We get that there aren’t many non-leftists in California for them to pander to, but did they ever consider, say, not pandering?

Wednesday, May 4

BDS co-founder tells Stanford students ‘there are no anti-Semites in the BDS movement’

We must have our acronyms confused, because we could have sworn he was talking about the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement when he said that.

SDSU pledges to curtail free speech in the name of protecting students from posters

It shouldn’t be hard to reverse the decision, though. All that conservative students need to do is have a campout in Hirshman’s driveway and he’ll fold like a cheap suit.

Prosecutor lets UW graffiti vandal go free, predicts ‘we will not see the same activity again’

Yeah, they must have really put the fear of God into him when they supplied a justification for his crimes and then turned him loose with a pat on the head.

Conservative prof. sues Marquette for suspending him over blog post

In a statement that was most definitely not written by an alumni relations officer, the school says it welcomes the chance to explain why it is punishing McAdams for penning an accurate blog post exposing another instructor’s disregard for Catholic teachings.

SIU administrators succumb to student demands, issue new ‘diversity plan’

And here we had thought nothing could be more vague and meandering than the reasons the students gave for protesting in the first place.

Again, nobody is disputing the claim that “things are so terrible” in Carbondale. It’s just that we fail to see how embracing diversity will revive the moribund economy.

Mizzou to be investigated by lawmakers over mishandling of campus protests

They say sunlight is the best disinfectant. If that’s true, Mizzou administrators might want to consider changing into their brown trousers.

Thursday, May 5

Liberal commencement speakers to outnumber conservatives 4-to-1

Which is practically like turning the proceedings over to the Republican Party, considering that most students have spent the last four years dealing with a 9-to-1 ratio in the classroom, with their grades dependent on stroking liberal sensibilities.

UW student workers scoff at 24 percent raise, demand $15/hour

Why, they’re just as callous toward the working poor as those fat cats who run the place! How can they sleep at night, knowing that $15/hour amounts to a mere $30,000 per year for a full-time worker?

Gee, they’re not terribly ambitious, are they? Just think how much better off everybody would be if the minimum were something more reasonable, like $15,000/hour.

Student groups demand UCSD become a ‘sanctuary campus’

They also want “disciplinary consequences” for students who write pro-Trump chalk messages … not that they’re condemning the ability to chalk such statements, of course.

Blinn College loses free speech battle over evicting pro-gun student

To avoid similar situations in the future, all employees are now required to attend an annual seminar reminding them that community colleges are, in fact, public institutions.

Students question Clemson’s reluctance to acknowledge ‘banana banner’ FOIA

Maybe it’s not a cover-up, though. Maybe there are just some really embarrassing emails featuring the words “banana” and “private” that administrators need to make sure remain private at all costs. We sort of hope that’s the case, honestly, because just imagine what those emails might say.

Friday, May 6

Harvard to ban members of single-gender clubs from leadership roles

“Ultimately, all of these unrecognized single-gender social organizations are at odds with Harvard College’s educational philosophy.” Really? If the whole point of a Harvard education is to get students to interact with members of the opposite gender, it’s probably cheaper just to go to the bar.

Interestingly, no such consternation has arisen over Harvard’s horribly offensive insistence on maintaining separate men’s and women’s basketball teams. Could it be that the university’s true objection is merely that it has no control over the final clubs?

Chancellor of Inclusive Excellence: fake mustaches are ‘dehumanizing’

Hardly. We humans can grow better mustaches than just about any animal out there.

She must not have much pride in her “heritage culture” if she’s offended every time she sees a reference to it. Frankly, it sounds like the cultural appropriators she reprimanded have a greater appreciation of Mexican culture than she does.

SJW’s at Claremont McKenna create ‘shady person of color’ list to impugn dissenters

Uh-oh, looks like it’s time for another crackdown on free speech. Wait, never mind, it was liberal students doing the speaking, so we’re all good.