The Weekly Roundup: If the shoe's white privilege

Monday 1 August

Texas prof worries campus carry endangers free speech

Really? We heard exactly the opposite.

Inconsistencies run rampant in campus climate surveys

That’s probably just due to geography, though.

DePaul bans Ben Shapiro

With the Olympics here, Campus Reform would like to announce a new event in which conservatives compete to get banned from speaking on college campuses. The onus is on the colleges to make this conservative-only event more inclusive. Go ahead; ban Obama!

As for Shapiro, the world’s #1 censored conservative Milo Yiannopoulos has challenged the conservative commentator to get banned from a “cool” campus, like UC Irvine: “It’s sweet that little Benji is following me around the U.S., desperately trying to get banned from the same schools that have banned me. (Setting trends is the cross I bear.)....But he keeps coming up short, the poor thing! I was banned from DePaul WEEKS ago, dahhhling.”

Dartmouth offers course on Orlando terror attack

Students will likely be offered extra credit for superimposing guns on the phallic regions of famous Republicans.

UW-Madison hopes new diversity program will be better than last

Professor: “Cast your eyes upon the top of the slide. That color is called ‘white.’ See the one with the longer hair over there? That is called ‘female.’ ”

Susie: “But professor, isn’t that a heteronormative representation of femininity?”

President: “Susie’s right. You’re fired.”

Campus carry takes effect in Texas

Little did these professors know, all males on campus already carry their toxic masculinity concealed, which virtually everyone agrees is the best way for them to carry it.

This weapon has yet to be fully legalized, but is sometimes arbitrarily penalized via false rape allegations.

UT student paper launches two-pronged attack on campus carry

It’s not an oyster. Four prongs or nothin’

Cal Poly ‘Men and Masculinity’ position emphasizes sexual assault

Experience babysitting 20-year-olds on dates will automatically escalate your application to a second interview.

UNC transgender employee part of suit against HB2

Ah yes, the bathroom bill. Unfortunately, toilet humor is not appreciated here.

Minnesota students face mandatory sexual assault training

The course apparently includes more than “don’t rape.”

Which it can never be too careful. With drunken sex, regret, etc. now falling under the category of sexual assault, abstinence seems the only act conducive to safe space culture.

Tuesday 2 August

‘Tacky’ clothes and ‘high society’ wedding scorned at Scripps

What with all the exponents and exterior angles suffocating inclusivity in college math, those racial diversity and equity “equations” look ripe for the diversity courses that may be replacing a math requirement at this college.

Yale waffles on retaining Calhoun College name

The buck stops...well, somewhere. But wherever it does stop, you can bet it’s not within a city block of Yale’s president.

Law prof files ethics complaint against Mosby over Freddie Gray case

Have you criticized someone who has criticized police officers? You might also be a racist.

BLM wants to make free college a constitutional right

We’re shocked that “freedom of education” wasn’t already pork barreled into the First Amendment.

UC administrator: ‘Kill the NRA’

You would think former journalism professors would have a better way with words. Well, you would if you ignored Melissa Click and the mainstream media.

Duke prof compares voter ID laws to Jim Crow

The data actually suggests that voter ID laws impact voting along the lines of wealth, not race, but we understand the mix up: skin and metal coins look similar and progressives aren’t particularly discerning.

Wednesday 3 August

Muslim student calls out Dems for racial ‘pandering,’ lack of substance

Democrats pandering? Lacking substance? *Gasp!* Nooooo….

Illegal immigrant gets $300K scholarship to attend University of Chicago

“I became active in Black Lives Matter two years ago, became an LGBT rights activist, campaigned for Bernie Sanders,” said the student, who plans to become a human rights attorney.

Texas AG shoots down profs’ arguments against campus carry

The professors say campus carry poses a risk to the equal protection guaranteed by the Fourteenth Amendment. We think they need to read that amendment again.

Or at all.

Court green-lights ‘anti-male bias’ lawsuit against Columbia

Title IX strikes again.

UNM researcher caught celebrating deliveries of aborted fetuses


Pitzer College offers official scholarship for ‘undocumented’ students

One would think they could instead just pay the $15 for them to get an ID card printed up at the DMV. Unless, of course, when they say “undocumented” they’re actually referring to illegal immigrants...

Thursday 4 August

Millennials even want safe space from sex, study finds

Considering it’s the generation of blue-haired, body-positive SJWs, we’re sure they’ve constructed this safe space entirely of their own volition.

UC Berkeley ensures Chancellor can escape student protesters

Along with an escape door, the Chancellor has also taken Trump’s advice and built a $700,000 fence around his residence.

No word yet on whether Mexico paid for any of it.

Oberlin finally suspends prof for anti-Semitic Facebook posts

Of course, if she had instead encouraged students to wear any Halloween costume they want, the school would have responded with much more alacrity.

Education scholar: ‘middle-class’ dress codes are white privilege

If decency is now a privilege that must be rectified, how much longer until stupidity progressivism is, as well?

University prez: free tuition at public colleges not enough

Apparently, private colleges don’t want to be the runt of the litter when it comes to suckling at the federal teat.

Just for that, Trinity Washington University should never be given another taxpayer dime.

CMU dean says ‘poaching’ by industry is good for academia

It might not be a bad idea for wildlife, either, if you’ve ever heard about the tragedy of the commons.

Friday 5 August

State legislators hammer UNC for ‘Marxist’ bias team

The hammer is just the beginning, though. Next comes the sickle.

Bias team sought Halloween crackdowns over ‘Three Blind Mice’ costumes

“It was never a report made by the response team,” said an administrator. “It was just a mention about something that happened at a residence staff meeting, not a report.”

Since they didn’t actually submit a bias report, it’s not censorship, just like the Vietnam War never actually happened since no war was ever declared!

UMD student paper bows to outrage over op-ed criticizing BLM

They were just mortified that anyone would have thought that their opinion page was there for expressing just any opinion.

UH students pack Senate to debate sanctions on VP for ‘All Lives Matter’ post

Unwilling to either forsake tyranny or face their constituents, most of the senators simply fled the meeting before a vote could be called.

MIT profs point out flaws in Clinton’s free college plan

This criticism is concerning...did it really take MIT professors to point out the flaws?

Colleges feel left-wing protests’ financial pinch

It only took 70 years for the alumni to finally heed the wisdom of Buckley.

UH to ‘review’ witch hunt against SGA exec who posted ‘all lives matter’

Calif. Bill restricting religious rights to go before Assembly

What? You expected it to die in committee?

In California, religious freedom is considered almost as great an evil as plastic shopping bags.

UGA profs refuse to believe study showing no gender pay gap

These people are almost as bad as the Stanford students who demanded a survey that produced higher campus rape statistics.

Listen, if the results are positive, you can just accept that as a good thing and move on.

Diversity dean gets a little too excited about diversity

How is it NOT racist to invite “students of color” to a special pre-orientation meeting where you can tell them about all the special resources you have just for them, because otherwise they would never have a chance of succeeding in college?

Condescension is the unkindest form of flattery.