The Weekly Roundup: Do words even have meanings anymore?

Monday, May 9

UVA student: identifying as an American is ‘the most blatant microaggression’

Alright, time for Plan B: we change our name to “the United States of Vespucciland” (a la, Amerigo Vespucci) and see how long it takes until people start complaining that we’ve monopolized the “Vespuccian” identity.

Ah, but microaggressions are, by definition, unintentional, which would seem to preclude the possibility of their being “blatant.”

Fat activist: ‘weight loss is not a realistic goal for most people’

Sounds like something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it would be more realistic if they focused on being active rather than on being activists.

Then again, she also claimed that fat shaming has caused her to avoid public transportation during peak hours, so it’s not all bad.

University of Oklahoma launches bilingual 24/7 ‘bias hotline’

Just two languages? That’s not very inclusive of them, is it?

They’re also being quite coy about which languages they’ll use. Does anybody know Swahili?

KU Chancellor vetoes resolution demanding ‘Multicultural Student Government’

Ah yes, that timeless principle of representative governance: adding sympathetic office-holders until the votes start coming out properly.

VA Tech reinvites black conservative speaker who was rejected for ‘writing about race issues’

It’s not as though they had a choice, though. It was either that or try to explain why a black person’s perspectives on race are illegitimate when they conform to conservative principles.

Of course, the whole episode says a lot more about VT’s views on race than it does about Jason Riley’s.

Georgetown students fear mass arrests at commencement by DHS Secretary

Well, they didn’t use those exact words, but what else would illegal immigrant students have to fear from a commencement speaker? Other than boredom, that is.

On the other hand, if their predictions bear out, that would certainly liven up the ceremony!

Tuesday, May 10

UMD students block traffic to demand increase in minimum wage

In Jamaica, they call speed bumps “sleeping policemen;” in Maryland, they call college students “speed bumps.”

Milo quotes spark ‘homophobia’ scare at UC Irvine

But if Milo were a homophobe, he’d be far too scared to even glance in a mirror … and we know that’s not the case.

And besides, if Milo isn’t allowed to say “faggot,” then shouldn’t black rappers be prohibited from saying … Hey! Where are you taking me?!

The Citadel refuses uniform exemption for prospective cadet to wear hijab

Not to be sticklers or anything, but aren’t “uniforms” called “uniforms” because they’re all supposed to be, you know, uniform?

But who says uniforms have to be uniform, anyway? Oh, right, that Webster guy.

Herbivore sues Mizzou for censoring vegan propaganda

Listen, we don’t have any use for vegetarianism, either, which is why we think he should have been allowed to tell students about it.

OSU button campaign aims to make ‘trans-phobic’ students ‘uncomfortable’

At least they’re being honest about their intentions, but we suspect that the only ones who will wind up feeling uncomfortable will be those scouring the campus for a bathroom buddy to hold their hand while they tinkle.

Millikin allegedly warns frats that body painting is cultural appropriation

They’re not going overboard or anything, though. They only sent cease-and-desist letters to frats whose colors include black, red, or yellow.

Seriously, though: why do fraternities even maintain connections with their universities anymore? At a certain point, it’s your own fault for staying in an abusive relationship.

Wednesday, May 11

UCI Anti-Zionism week clashes with Holocaust Remembrance Day

At first, we thought this was disrespectful, to say the least, but now we’re starting to think it might be a particularly apt reminder of the need to remember the Holocaust.

DePaul petition: Milo ‘hurts,’ ‘kills’ people with his opinions

Sure, anybody can break someone’s arm with a well-crafted witticism, but the mortal blows Milo inflicts with his slightest utterances are what make him so entertaining.

USA agrees to loosen restrictions on student speech in legal settlement

Now if only it were that other USA, and not just the University of South Alabama.

UCLA students threatened with violence for claiming ‘there are only two genders’

Of course, the threats probably would have been more intimidating if they had been spelled correctly...

Georgetown students blast ‘laughable’ commencement speaker protest

Yep, laughter is exactly the right response, the only alternative being the tears of frustration that would inevitably result from any effort to understand the protesters’ “arguments.”

Thursday, May 12

Student forum demands ‘sanctuary campus’ free from Border Patrol

Puh-leeze. When a crowd of illegal immigrant students can swarm a Border Patrol agent on campus and still show up to class the next day, it already is a “sanctuary campus.”

Harvard law prof: treat conservative Christians like Nazis

Why does he want to give half of Europe to conservative Christians?

UW profs: vandal’s arrest contributes to ‘oppressive,’ ‘threatening’ campus

One would think English teachers would have somewhat more regard for the meanings of words than these folks demonstrate. One would think that, anyway, if “UW” were not in the headline.

On the plus side, they did keep alive UW’s decades-long streak of being wrong on absolutely every issue. Obviously, it never occurred to them that maybe campus should be oppressive and threatening to those who wantonly vandalize it.

UC system pledges $25 million for illegal immigrant scholarships

Are they sure that’s going to be enough? Maybe they should divert some money from scholarships for those evil white kids, who would probably just use the money to be racist, anyway.

Seattle U. students demand curriculum that ‘decentralizes whiteness’

One wonders what exactly they were expecting when they enrolled in a Jesuit university. A Hindu-oriented curriculum, perhaps?

Cal Poly student demands less tuition, more diversity

And if she doesn’t get it, why, she’ll … sell her eggs.

PSU students stage die-in to demand disarming of police

Doesn’t it sort of undermine their argument when they have to pretend to die? Based on their hysterical predictions of a few months ago, most of them should have already been shot by campus police.

Friday, May 13

Students worry free speech will make U of M ‘an unsafe space’

Particularly if Milo ever comes to campus and starts killing people with his opinions.

‘Men in Literature’ class cancelled for not including women

Thank goodness that “Women and Literature,” “Native American Literature,” “Asian American Literature,” and both halves of “African American Literature” were able to avoid that problem. They all make sure to include plenty of women.

We know what you’re thinking: ‘How can they object to a “Men in Literature” course, but not a “Women and Literature” course?’ Let’s not forget, though, that 60 percent of “women” is “men,” so even that course is skewed in favor of the patriarchy.