MARSCHALL: Student protesters are no different than babies, an analysis

These sad, unfulfilled individuals demand that their universities - which they wreak havoc on at all hours - feed them and help them go to the bathroom while they throw their temper tantrums and refuse to eat bananas.

Columbia University sent in the New York Police Department Tuesday night to arrest student protesters who illegally occupied Harman Hall. Real-time coverage showed officers equipped with gear and specialized vehicles to enter the barricaded campus building. 

The NYPD is great, and it carried out the arrests impeccably. But Columbia has failed to rise to the moment and deter these would-be terrorists with even harsher punishment. 

Therefore, I submit that an alternative show of force is needed: the babysitter. Colleges and universities under attack from pro-Hamas protesters should deploy battalions of babysitters to get the radical students under control and restore order on campuses. 

These student protesters do not fear arrests or expulsions because - like the newborn babies their behavior emulates - they probably can’t spell either one.

Student protesters have proven themselves this week to be indistinguishable from babies. 

Sad and unfulfilled, these individuals demand that their universities - which they wreak havoc on at all hours - feed them and help them go to the bathroom while they throw their temper tantrums.

At Columbia University, the same students who invaded and barricaded Hamilton Hall did so in such a rush of revolutionary excitement they forgot about food. A student spokesperson then stated in a press conference that the university is “obligated” to feed them. 

Babies may not understand the function of a diaper or changing table, but very young children do understand that going to the bathroom is a result of eating. 

Protesters at George Washington University seem to have less forethought for bodily functions than pre-schoolers at snack time. 

Despite being forcefully occupied, the FSoggy Bottom school has allowed its terrorist tent tenants to use campus bathrooms. Ignorant or untrusting of this fact, the protesting students have taken to outdoor buckets. 

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Not quite at the technical advancement of modern-day training toilets, these Hamas-chic chamberpots for little imps who didn’t have to go when the trip started - like the facilities in Gaza - are not confirmed to be gender inclusive. 

And, as even toddlers know, hunger will strike again as time and bowel movements pass. Bananas are a great snack in between meals; they’re rich in potassium.

But as any hard-working parent whose taxes may soon go to the protesters’ canceled student debt can attest, kids are stubborn creatures who kick and scream for sugary treats over fruits and vegetables. 

A meltdown did occur at the University of California Los Angeles when campus antisemites freaked out after pro-Israel counterprotesters were eating the delicious food near the encampment. 

”Counterprotestors invaded the encampment and saw all the no bananas warnings,” one anti-Semite posted on X. “The next day they came back waving bananas like settlers waving machine guns & smeared bananas everywhere.”

These protesters honor their Hamas “martyrs” but would never dream of getting too close to their suicide vests, rockets, or rooftop plunges. No, like the little scaredy tykes who want to play superheroes during kindergarten recess but are too chicken to rescue victims from a bank holdup, the protesters would sooner scream for mommy than get too close to a banana. 

And as Cathy Young has pointed out, bananas aren’t even that dangerous. 

Perhaps nothing less than a foreign invasion will solve the crisis as not one American leader in government or higher education has completely eradicated the My Little Militant sleepover tents. 

What we need is reinforcements. I suggest a rearguard deployment of the nannies from Norland College, the United Kingdom’s most elite training institution for day-care specialists. 

These elite babysitters are trained and equipped to handle the most temper-tantrum-prone trustfund tot. I have full faith in their efforts to contribute a sense of accountability to toilet time. 

That’s more than Columbia University President Minouche Shafik has accomplished at the formerly respectable Manhattan institution. 

Editorials and op-eds reflect the opinion of the authors and not necessarily that of Campus Reform or the Leadership Institute.